Immortal Girls: The Beginning

Hey, thanks for submitting to the Critique Folder of .

There are a few typos here and there throughout the piece, but nothing a good proof-read can't solve.
Some parts of it are a bit confusing, like when he's at school. For the entire paragraph, I thought the school day hadn't even begun yet, and then suddenly he's running down the street from Opa, and apparently school is already over. It's jarring. An indicator of the passage of time could be used here. And the transition for when they're riding the tram home was also whiplash inducing. I'd try smoothing that out a bit with a quick recap of what they did during the time skip.
"I wonder at the time. It seems a little early for sunset." That first sentence makes it feel like you wanted to switch to past tense, but couldn't because this is present tense. I'd reword it to "I wonder," with a comma because it's a tagline for a thought. Also, I'd put that thought and all future thoughts in italics so that it's more recognizable as being separate from the main narrative.
When a sentence is being cut short, use a dash rather than a period. A period makes it seem like the character simply decided to stop talking right there, rather than cutting themselves off.

Overall, this is a promising piece, it just needs some refinement. Nice word choice, and compelling imagery. Well done.